New 'prison loaf' health food craze creates windfall for cash-strapped correctional facilities

Move over, wheat grass shots and Kombucha – there's a new nasty food trend in town

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By C1 Staff

CHUKE, Wis. — After enduring years of slashed budgets, correctional institutions across the nation are experiencing a dramatic financial turnaround from an unexpected source: prison loaf.

The nutritious baked square from hell, which many describe as having the texture and taste of dried vomit, has exploded in popularity among certain trendy, health-conscious consumers and created a market for facilities to sell their remnant loaves – which are typically abundant, since many prisoners refuse to eat them.

(Photo/Scott Veg)
(Photo/Scott Veg)

This new revenue stream has created a windfall for correctional leaders as they combat deteriorating facilities and chronic understaffing.

“We have more money than we know what to do with,” said Greenland Correctional Institution Warden Rolin Doe. “It’s funny, the inmates call it the ‘puke brick.’ But all of the sudden, people can’t get enough of it!”

The public’s affinity for the cooked food paste of infinite sadness is believed to have begun after local food blogger star Karen Munch raved about the dish to her five million followers.

“My cousin has done four stints in prison, including a current 30-year sentence for murder,” Munch said. “And he always looks amazing. Gaunt face, tight abs, and a hollowed-out look that just screams ‘healthy.’ I figured, if prison loaf works this well for him, why not non-murderers?”

Munch claims that in the year and a half since she began eating one loaf per day, she’s dropped 25 pounds and saved $10,000 on account of a general sense of listlessness and loss of purpose that has led her to cease participating in all social activities.

“Eating healthy isn’t supposed to be fun – it should feel like work,” Munch said. “And no food feels more like work than prison loaf.”

Correctional facilities have partnered with numerous grocery store chains to carry the inmate-made loaves, which are being rapidly dropped with a dull ‘thunk’ into shoppers’ carts almost as quickly they’re being stocked.

The newest partner, Whole Foods, plans to give the loaf premium placement in its stores.

“We’re putting it right next to the asparagus water and the egg white chips,” spokesman Rick Kale said. “Who knew the incarcerated had it so good?”

Inspired by the success of bringing the loaf to the masses, corrections leaders are already hard at work on their next product: prisoner restraints for the bedroom.

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